


Dean Winchester, say your prayers

by Constant_reader13



Series: Pray for me [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean likes dirty talk, Dom!Cas, Eventual Smut, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, My First Fanfic, Oral Sex, Season/Series 15, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27734788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constant_reader13/pseuds/Constant_reader13
Summary: Starting from Jack’s goodbye in 15x19, the boys find themselves free to write their own story. But when Sam asks Jack for the unimaginable the story as we know it changes.
Relationships: Dean/Castiel, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: Pray for me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044036
Comments: 22
Kudos: 87





	1. Dean prays for hope

**Author's Note:**

> Doing what we all promised if the finale sucked. Fixing things with Fanfiction, cause that’s what hero’s do. I have a basic outline for 10 chapters but only 4 have been written so far. Please leave lots of comments, I have no Beta testers, I'm basically flying blind here. I hope you enjoy!

“Well I'm really as close as this,” Jack states and raises his hand to his heart. 

Dean can see Sammy trying his best not to break down. And far be it for him to be the one to ask the kid for a hug or anything. He knows goodbye is coming. God how he hated that. Too many goodbye’s lately. 

An image of bright blue eyes glistening with tears fills his mind. He shakes it off, dwelling on that conversation is the last thing he needs right now. But he needs to know. If everything is back to normal, was Jack able to save Cas? Was he able to undo the deal with the Empty? He knows their time with Jack is running out and if he doesn’t act fast he will never know. lucky for him Sam seems to beat him to the punch.

“Wait Jack,” Sam interrupts, “what about everyone Chuck raptured? Bobby, Jody, Eileen? What’s going to happen to them now?”

Sam left Cas’s name out, but Dean’s eyes get wide. He waits, heart pounding so loud he’s sure the two men next to him could hear it. Jack smiles at them both. Closes his eyes and turns his face to the sun, as if taking in one last moment on Earth.

“I’ve returned as much as I could, back to before Chuck changed the story,” Jack smiles. He raises his hand in a familiar gesture.

“Goodbye.” He turns and walks away. Light emitting out from his entire being he vanishes in front of their eyes.

Dean looks over at Sam as both men struggle with the surge of emotions swirling through them.

“Back to normal huh?” Sam gives a watery sigh. “Do you think that means- “

“I don’t know what it means!” Dean quietly snaps and Sam’s eyes cast down. 

Dean starts to apologize when he feels a familiar buzzing in his jacket pocket. He pulls out his phone and breaks into a grin when he sees the name on the caller ID.

“Hey Bobby,” he answers, more in a sigh of relief than he cares to admit. “No we’re alright. Chuck is, well let’s just say Chuck’s no longer going to be a problem.” 

Dean smiles as the reality of what Jack really did settles in. Their lives are truly theirs now. They are free to write their own story. He turns to Sam and sees a grin on his younger brother’s face. He must have come to the very same conclusion Dean thinks. Their smiles grow wider and they both turn towards the Impala at the same time. Dean realizes Bobby is still speaking.

“No Bobby, Bobby stop. I don’t know much else right now. Jack, he just left. Sammy and I are heading back to the bunker. We’ll talk soon alright?” 

Dean ends the call without waiting for the older man’s response. Something he’s sure he’ll be chastised for later. But hey at least there is a later. And Dean is pretty stoked about that. 

Dean turns to see Sammy has already made his way to the Impala and is folding his long frame into the passenger seat.  
He climbs in after him and starts up Baby’s engine. The familiar sound hits him differently this time and he cant help but smile as they pull away from the curb and head out of town.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We really did it.” Sam says a few minutes later. He’s not looking at Dean but out the window. Tapping his phone on his knee, a nervous tick he developed sometime after Eileen came back the first time and he couldn’t reach her.

“Sammy, she’ll be alright.” Deans glances over trying to meet his brother’s eyes. 

He knows Jacks final act may or may not have included all of their loved ones. But Jack wouldn’t do that to Sam right? Deny him happiness with the one person he cared for. Maybe even loved. He frowns at that thought. Did Sam love Eileen? And did she feel the same? It occurs to Dean he’s never had that type of conversation with his brother.

“Sam…” Dean trails off as he realizes he doesn’t know what to say but it’s Sam’s ringing phone that stops him. Sam jumps, as much as a 6’4” man can inside a moving vehicle, and drops the phone between his legs onto the floor. 

“Oh jeez!” Sam stammers as he tries to fold at the waist and reach the shrill ringing phone with his long fingers. Dean huffs out a chuckle at his brother and contemplates slowing down so he can help. Sam triumphantly sits up with the phone upside down in his hand. Quickly turns it over to look at the readout. His face falls for half a second, enough to let Dean know it’s not Eileen on the other end. 

“Jody hi,” Sam answers. “Are you okay?” A pause while he listens intently, a familiar frown of concern comes across his brow.

“Okay good, and the girls too?” A pause; “Hey has Claire heard from Cas at all?” 

Sam’s eyes shift towards Dean who has suddenly become very focused on the road ahead.

“Yup okay, I understand. Just checking.” The breath Dean had been holding pushes out his lips in a quiet huff. 

“Alright Jody. Well, be safe. Okay, talk soon.” Sam hangs up. Checks his text messages for the 5th time and pockets the phone.

“All girls present and accounted for?” Dean asks casually. Knowing if it hadn’t been the case Sam would still be on the phone. 

“Uh yeah, Jody got roll call going the minute she came to. I guess she was with Alex at the time. It wasn’t simultaneous, Alex was pretty freaked out.” Sam frowns again. His face a picture of worry and regret.

“Let’s just take it one step at a time Sammy. For all we know she’s still waking up.” Dean tries to put comfort in his voice. 

But Sam’s always been the glass half full type. It’s new territory for Dean. The two fall silent as they make the rest of the drive to the MOL headquarters.


	2. Dean prays for strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean’s live return to “normal”.

One week later.

Dean knew it was going to get better. It had to right? They had lost people before and survived. Hell, they lost each other more times than he wanted to count. But both he and Sam seemed to wander the bunker a bit lost for the first few days.   
Things turned back to some semblance of “normal” once they realized no “big bad” was going to break down the warding and come for them. 

Sitting at one of the study tables they shared a beer or two and toasted to Jack, to all those who helped them on their journey to defeating Chuck. Before that calls and texts came from all corners of the US; questions, congratulations; Charlie even tried to muscle her way to visit but luckily her charming girlfriend intervened and held her back. It felt too much like pity. Charlie meant well enough, but there was an unspoken question in her eyes. ‘Are you both really okay?’ 

Dean didn’t know, he knew Sam never put his phone down, and he had to practically pull the battery out of every car in the garage to keep him from driving to Eileen’s place. Never mind the fact Dean pretty much was back to drinking himself to sleep every night. If you could call it sleep. Tossing and turning with visions of the Empty flooding out of the wall and surrounding Castiel. And Dean would be a liar if he didn’t admit he woke up screaming on more than one occasion. 

So normal right? Total mental stablity. He just needed to sober up. Maybe one night without shuffling off to bed with a bottle would lead to two nights. Something had to change, for both of them. 

So after dinner one night; leaving Sammy to take clean up duty; he snuck to the garage and unburied the Impala’s battery from behind a rag pile. Reconnected it and walked back to the kitchen. Before rounding the corner he put on a big smile and practically jumped into the room. 

“Man that was some good grub!” He clapped his hands together and rubbed his palms like a man concocting a spur of the moment plan.

“What do you say we cap that off with a drive? It’s still light out, we could cruise around for a bit? Maybe stop and get an night cap?” He wagged his eyebrows at the younger man. Sam smiled briefly but was still kneading the dish towel in his hands.

“Thanks Dean, but I think I’m just going to turn in.” He looked back at the sink and put his hands on either side of the basin shoulders visibly drooping.

Dean’s smile fell, he crossed the room and physically turned Sam to speak face to face.

“Sammy, I know it’s hard. But I don’t think she’s out there. It’s been a week of no contact. Even if she had come back in a unfamiliar area it’s 2020! There are phones, email, and hell even a few good people out there who would help a deaf woman in need. I think you need to accept that Eileen is gone.” 

He tried to pour as much sympathy he could into his words. Knowing Sam would listen to reason if he just found the right way to say it. “I’m sorry man, I really am.”

Sam’s eyes welled with tears and his jaw tighten. “Dean I just can’t, I can’t give up on her. Cause if I do, that means she’s really gone. And I never got the chance.” 

At the last word Sam breaks and sits down on the floor. Dean in borderline panic mode quickly drops to his knees in front of his brother.

“The chance for what, man?” He knows what’s coming but Sam has never opened up about Eileen like this, till now.

“To tell her... to tell her I love her.” Sam sighs and leans his head back against the cupboard. 

Dean’s eyes grow wide; he knew his brother and Eileen were close. Knew their relationship progressed after she was brought back from the dead. But this confirms his earlier suspicion, and Sam’s mood growing darker every time the phone rang and it was another hunter on the line. Dean knew it was just never the hunter he wanted.

“Did she know?” Dean regrets the question as soon as he says it. 

If someone loves you they tell you right? They don’t hide it for 10 years in accidental hand touches, longing glances, exchanged mix tapes and, and.... woah! 

Where did that come from? 

He’s talking about Sam and Eileen; but there it is again, those bright blue eyes. 

The words Dean has tried to push out of his head for over a week now. Words that if he had more than a damn minute to think he could have asked Cas what he meant. But that’s a kind of lie too. He knows what Cas meant. That was the most honest thing he’s ever said to him. 

“I don’t know if she knew,” Sam finally speaks knocking Dean out of his introspective train of thought. 

“I think she felt the same but we didn’t talk about it. I always thought we’d have more time. Didn’t want to rush it, you know?”

Dean nods but he’s only half hearing Sam at this point. Did Dean know? Did he know how Cas felt the whole time? Sure they had the whole ‘Profound Bond’ thing going on. But that wasn’t love, was it? Dean sits down sharply on the kitchen floor. 

With another heavy sigh Sam looks up, “I just wish when I had the chance I didn’t hesitate. The last night we were together, she told me when this was all over she was going to take us on a trip. Somewhere we could be alone, free from all the obligations that come with this life. All I could think about was beating Chuck, I didn’t think it would be the last time I saw her.” 

Dean frowns and thinks of the last time he saw Cas. How Cas smiled knowing his time was almost up. How proud he looked, that he finally made the right choice. And now Dean thinking how unfair that all felt. How something had been cut short. 

If Cas had just spoke up sooner Dean could have said - wait! 

What did Dean want to say to Cas? That’s what all this regret was about right? Dean not getting his turn. Not getting his chance to make his own... what, confession? What would he have even said? This was getting out of hand.

“We all have regrets,” Dean firmly responds. “We all have things left unsaid, but that doesn’t mean we need to keep dwelling on it.” 

He nodded as if more to himself than to Sam and the younger man looked visibly confused by this statement. 

“What regrets do you have?” Sam challenged. “Did something happen when Cas was taken?” 

Dean looks away so sharply that Sam’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Something did happen! I knew it, you were way too vague about how the Empty knew to come here. So what was it?”

Dean can’t meet his brothers eyes. He knows if he so much as utters another word he’ll break. 

“Dean, I’m your brother, we’ve been to literal Hell and back. You can talk to me.” Sam pleads.

Dean turns his head towards Sam, eyes beginning to shine with tears. 

“Sammy, he said he lov - “ 

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOOP

Sirens ring out throughout the bunker and the lights flick to red. Both men rush to their feet and pull various weapons hidden in kitchen drawers and under countertops. 

“That’s the perimeter alarm!” Dean hollers over the noise. “I set it after Lucifer snuck in here. We need to get out there and sweep the grounds.”

Sam nods and they run practically side by side up the metal staircase. Boots clanging as they thunder to the heavy metal door. Dean throws the latch and pushes it outward. 

Both men freeze so abruptly gravity almost pitches them forward. Their mouths agape, like fish on dry land. 

Standing in front of them, hands raised in mock surrender is Eileen Leahy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a cliff hanger don’t you? Thank you for taking this journey with me!


	3. Dean prays for some friggen peace and quiet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean deals with the challenges of having a newcomer in the bunker. Major angst warning.

“How did you get here?” Sam yells as he leads Eileen down the stairs. Dean has run ahead to shut off the alarms. He flips the last switch and runs back to the war room to see Sam and Eileen signing furiously.

“What happened?” Sam asks.

“Well I was texting you at night and all of a sudden I was sitting up on the pavement and it’s day time! And my phone, purse, and car was gone! I thought maybe I got mugged and hit my head so I walked to a neighbors and had them take me to the hospital. They checked me out, I was fine. And they helped me get ahold of my landlord. Why is my car here? I had to take the train and then rent a car in Kansas City to get here.” Eileen glares as she speaks, both Sam and Dean look sheepishly at the floor knowing they were responsible for stranding her.

“But when I got home from the hospital I talked to some other hunter friends and they told me about the rapture. Is that what really happened? Chuck took us all away? How did we get back?”

“Not all of us,” Sam answers. “Jack was able to defeat Chuck, but he’s gone now.”

“Dead?” She asks.

Dean chimes in, “no he went and got himself a new gig! Jack’s moving up in the world.”

“Dean it’s not that simple” scolds Sam. “He saved us. And now he’s going to watch over us all.”

“I’m still so confused” Eileen admits. “Why is my car here?!”

Sam laughs and says “it’s a long story. Come on, have you had any dinner yet?”

He puts his arm around her and leads her to the kitchen. Dean stays behind and looks back up to the door and then down the hall towards the other two. Shaking his head in wonder.

“Son of a bitch, he really did bring her back.” He whispers to himself. The reality of this is not lost on Dean. Because if Jack brought back Eileen, what else did he do? Who else did he save?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later.

They were kissing in the kitchen, again.

Dean just wanted a cup of coffee, but there they were lips locked with the carafe held in Sam’s left hand. His right hand currently wrapped around Eileen’s waist.

“Woah, guess we need to put a sock on the fridge door too?” God he hated the way he sounded, like someone’s camp counselor.

Sam and Eileen jumped apart like a couple of teenagers caught by a parent. But worse than counselor, Dean didn’t feel like a parent. He felt like an intruder.

“Sorry man,” Sam visibly blushing, smiled. “Guess we got carried away... again.”

His smile didn’t seem to indicate he felt all that sorry about it. But Dean couldn’t really blame him. Since Eileen came back it was like Sam was a different person. He smiled more. He laughed more. He friggen hummed while he did the dishes!

Dean was starting to think Eileen may have some magical powers because this clearly resembled a pretty powerful love spell. But that was the thing; Sam told Dean himself that he was in love with her. Getting her back must have been the final straw. Sam was in deep and if Dean was any judge Eileen was right behind him.

“No worries Sammy, just need a caffeine jolt and I’ll be out of your way! Gonna hit the showers.” Dean put on a big smile, but inside he felt like a fraud. Sam looked sheepish again and Eileen started laughing.

“What?” Dean demanded.

“You may want to wait a bit.” She smiled.

“Um we may have used all the hot water.” Sam interjected a beat later.

Dean stared at the two of them, for once in his life he could not come up with a good comeback.

“Seriously!?” Was all he could manage. His voice taking on a shrill tone. He turned on his heels and stormed off.

One week later.

“I can do this, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Dean was going to come unglued.

Muttering to himself he paced in the hall outside Sam’s (Sam and Eileen’s he corrected) bedroom.

It was 11:00 at night, and he knows the two of them are still up. They had all been camped out in the living room up until 30 minutes ago. Dean trying to watch a movie while Sam and Eileen snuggled (practically making out!) on the opposite couch.

Dean munching popcorn like a man on a mission, hoping the crunching would drown out the giggles to his left. When Eileen let out a particularly telling sigh Dean knew the time for movies was over. He quickly stood up, tossed his bowl of popcorn down on the floor and bolted from the room. Sam sat up and called after him but Dean kept walking. He practically ran to his room and slammed the door.

It was so stupid, he thought now. His brother has sex. Dean knows that. And he had been having it for some time. But this, this was different. Before it was maybe a one time thing. A girl on a case would take interest, one thing lead to another and Sammy would show up the next morning, disheveled and grinning like an idiot. Now, it was all the time. And Dean had to hear it, he walked in on it! And it was driving Dean crazy.

“I just have to tell him. Tell him it’s too much and he’ll understand. He knows he’s in deep but he’ll listen to reason.” Dean psyching himself up to knock on Sam’s door.

He reached out, fist raised when it opened in his face.

“Dude, I can hear you through the door you know.” Sam wearing just a tee shirt and jeans, leans on the door jam.

Dean stammers, “ I... I wasn’t sure if you were up. Sammy, I need to talk to you.” Peering around Sam he sees Eileen sitting primly on the edge of the bed. Her hair rumpled and a few buttons out of place on her blouse.

“In private.” He states firmly. His eyes back to Sam’s determined and a little crazed.

“Okay sure, let’s go into the study. Grab us some beers.” And all while smiling, Sam closes the door firmly in Dean’s face.

Sam settles down into one of the leather chairs next to Dean, takes the beer offered by his brother. “What’s on your mind?”

Dean sits for maybe half a second and then jolts up. Pacing in front of the table next to them.

“I just, I just think we need to talk about what’s been going on here. And set some ground rules now that it’s apparent Eileen isn’t going back to her apartment any time soon.” Dean rushes it all out in one breath.

He didn’t meant to do that. He wanted to draw it out. Make Sammy even think it was his own idea to send her home. But the cats out of the bag now.

Sam sips his beer and appears to be thinking. But after a few moments it’s clear to Dean the younger Winchester is merely screwing with him.

“Well?” He finally blurts out. “Are you going to say anything?”

Sam sets down his half finished beer. “What do you want me to say Dean? I told you weeks ago I was in love with Eileen. And now that she’s back, I’m not letting her go again.”

Dean blinks rapidly at his brother. “What do you mean?”

Sam leans forward in his chair. “She’s staying, she talked to her landlord yesterday. Her apartment is going back up for rent. We were going to tell you once she got the final word. She’s staying Dean.”

“And what I don’t get a say here?” Dean is struggling to find his calm. Of all the ways this conversation played out in his head, this wasn’t one of them.

“You get a say Dean, but I never thought you’d say no! That’s why I didn’t tell you yet. I thought you’d be happy for me!”

Dean feels a wave after wave of emotion roll through him. His baby brother, and the woman he loves living together. Building memories, making plans. Falling deeper in love. He should be happy for them. It’s all Sam ever wanted. White picket fence, wife and kids, dog in the yard. Clearly Eileen wants this too or she wouldn’t be here. Sam’s not one to hide those desires from his partner. But what’s killing Dean is that over the last month he’s been reminded time and time again that Sammy has something Dean will never have. That no one will love him like that.

_Someone did, a voice whispers to him. Someone loved you. And you let him die for you. You didn’t even try to stop him._

A chill runs down his spine. A nagging at the back of his brain. Dean tried to push it away. It’s becoming more and more apparent every day that Cas isn’t coming back. Weeks have past since Eileen returned, none of their hunter friends had heard from Cas either. He was gone. Dean could barely say his name out loud anymore.

“Sammy I am happy for you, I truly am.”

“But?” Sam raised his eyebrows.

“But nothing, I really am happy for you.” Dean tries his best to smile. But it doesn’t meet his eyes.

“You’re lying. What aren’t you telling me?” Sam stands now, rising up to his full height.”

“You clearly have something on your mind. It’s why you wanted to talk tonight right?”

Dean rubs the back of his neck. He tried so hard to psych himself up for their talk now that it was here, he didn’t know where to begin.

“Sam, I am happy for you and Eileen. What you’ve found is a one in a million thing. I didn’t realize when she got here that it was going to be forever. Not that you don’t deserve that kind of happiness, it’s just that... when do we ever really get what we deserve you know? So yeah maybe at first it was cute, the two of you together. But then it was less cute. Now it’s borderline annoying.” He laughs, but Sam’s not laughing with him.

“Dean, why is this bothering you so much? Why? Tell me now!” Sam demands.

Dean looks down at the floor and mumbles softly.

“What was that? You’ll need to speak up.” Sam’s eyes are blazing and Dean knows the time for games is past.

“I was jealous” he whispers.

“What?” Sam hears him but the statement is so absurd it bears repeating.

“I WAS JEALOUS OKAY!” Dean roars.”Is that want you want to hear? Im jealous that you have someone and I don’t. That you found love and I have nothing! That Jack brought her back, but didn’t BRING CAS BACK!“ Dean promptly shuts his mouth. It’s out now, no use hiding it. But he still looks at his brother in defiance. Daring him to say something.

“Dean, what happens the night The Empty came? What did Cas do?” Sam asks softly.

Knowing he can’t deny it any more Dean lays it all out on the table. Cas’s deal with the Empty. His confession to Dean. How he told him that Dean changed him and that he loved Dean. Tears flowing now Dean can no longer stand up. He sits down hard in the leather chair and downs the last of Sam’s beer. He feels as though he’s been talking for hours. He leans over and puts his head in his hands. Sam exhales heavily and finally speaks.

“Wow, that’s a lot Dean. But there’s something I don’t get.” And Dean glances over at his brother. “You’re telling me all this as if you didn’t know... oh my God, you didn’t really know?!” Sam stares at Dean in disbelief.

“Didn’t know what?” The older Winchester growls out, voice even more hoarse from his tale.

Sam turns in his chair, facing Dean straight on. “Dean, before that night, did you know Cas was in love with you?”

“No, of course not.” I mean i knew he cared about me, he cared about you too, we’re family right?” Dean tries to read Sam’s expression but it only comes across as manic.

“No Dean, yes Cas cares about me, and Jack. But Cas loves you. Loves you in every way he’s capable.”

“He told you that?” Dean asks, becoming more confused by the minute.

“Of course not, but you’d have to be pretty dense not to see it.”

“It’s true.” A voice from the doorway chimes in.

Eileen clad in her pajamas steps into the room. “I know i haven’t known you both very long, but the way he looks at you. It’s only love.”

She walks over to Sam and sits on the edge of his chair. Sam presses again.  
“You really didn’t know?”

“Dude I just thought it was an angel thing! He was always starring at me and standing too close.” How was I supposed to know he was friggen in love with me?”

“Come on Dean, give yourself a little more credit than that.” Sam scolds.

Dean makes a face and starts pacing again. Thinking back over every gesture, every head tilt, every tense moment. Flashes of conversation stream across his mind.

_“You’re my best friend, and of course I forgive you.”_   
_“We’re what’s real.”_   
_“Don’t ever change Cas.”_   
_“We need you, I need you.”_   
_“I always come when you call.”_   
_“I’m not leaving here without you.”_   
_“I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”_

He turns and looks at the two of them. Realization dawning on his face like the rising sun. “Cas loves me.”

Sam and Eileen both nod and smile.

Dean starts smiling, he feels a lightness in his chest. He knows what comes next. Knows all he has to do is say it.

“I love Cas.” His voice breaks and he whispers it a second time. “I love him. Sam; What am I going to do?”

Dean collapses to floor. All the walls he built up have crumbled by this one admission and the pain is drowning him. Sam goes to his brother and wraps his arms around him.

“He’s gone Sammy, I let him go.” Dean rocks back and forth.

“No dean, don’t do that. Cas saved you, don’t take that away from him.” Sam tries his best to comfort Dean but this is uncharted territory.

“He saved me, but at what cost? And he’s not coming back. its too late Sammy! Cas is gone and I’m alone!”

“Dean you’re not alone. There are so many people who care about you.” Sam pleads.

Dean looks up in his brothers eyes. All the hurt he’s feeling reflected back at him and he knows what he has to do. “As each day passes and you two get closer, I feel more and more like I don’t belong here.” He hangs his head and sighs. “I feel like a goddamn ghost Sammy.”

“Dean I’m sorry I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“S’not your fault. But I know when I’ve over stayed my welcome.” Dean slowly stands and wipes his eyes.

“I have to go, I need to get out of here. I need to go.” And without another word Dean walks out the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Pain Train! Choo Choo!  
> I’m sorry to say for our baby boy, there’s more pain ahead in the next chapter. Drop a comment or kudos if you like what you see. Or even if you don’t! I welcome the feedback.


	4. Dean prays for rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where’s Dean running to, and what answers will he find when he gets there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for journeying with me so far! I’ve had a blast writing this story. This chapter felt a lot longer than the others but I couldn’t find a good stopping point. Count is still at 10, probably with a epilogue.

Dean has to go, right now.  
Throwing things in his tattered duffle as fast as he can, practically jumping in to a pair of boots, he’s out the door before Sam could catch up to him.

The safety lights on the outside of the bunker glaring in the rearview as he fishtails out of the drive. He has no destination in mind as he tears outta there. He’d out run a lot of monsters in this same manner before. But this time the monster sat right with him in the driver seat. His own pain and guilt clawing inside him. The reality of what he confessed to Sam, the earth shattering clarity it brought to every memory of Cas. He was the one to blame. He never fought hard enough for Cas. There was no one to run from this time.

He curses and slams a hand on the steering wheel.

“Fuck! What am I going to do now?” He has no plan, barely any money, and for the first time in a number of years has no one by his side.

Mile after mile passes and his anger has yet to subside. It may have something to do with the fact his phone has been buzzing for over an hour now.

Missed calls 10  
Voicemails 5  
Unread messages 7

All from Sam no doubt; too bad Dean wasn’t up for more conversation at this point. But this barrage of notifications will continue if Dean doesn’t put a stop to it soon. He slows to a stop and pulls to the shoulder. Deletes all of Sam’s messages without reading them, deletes all the voicemails (one of which is from Charlie; Sam must have called her too). He opens his message app and fires off a text to his brother.

**Sammy, it’s better this way. I need to deal with all this and you two don’t need a grumpy old man ruining your honeymoon phase. Just give me some space. Please.**

Dean barely has time to close the phone when Sam’s response come through.

**Okay... just, be safe.**

Dean shuts his phone off without responding. Checks the rearview for any oncoming cars; it’s barely 3:00 but you can’t be too careful. Puts the Impala in drive and like a bullet he’s off again.

It’s nearly sunrise by the time Dean stops driving. Deep purple gives way to reds and oranges Dean hasn’t seen in sometime. He takes a deep breath and his heart unclenches. The pain from last night is still there but in the early morning light it doesn’t feel as heavy. He can do this. This was the right choice.

Eyes bleary from fatigue and his earlier crying jag; he spies a motel up ahead and pulls in the parking lot. Peeling paint on the front sign and a handful of cars in the lot tell him there won’t be too many interruptions and the contents of his wallet won’t have to stretch too far. All the lights are dark, it’s a little early for anyone to be up and working in the office. So he gets in the backs seat, stretches out, crosses his arms on his chest, and closes his eyes.

Exhaling deeply he already worries sleep won’t come, or if it does it will bring the memory of Cas’s face with it. But before he can worry too much the wings of sleep flutter over him, his jaw unclenches, shoulders relax, and his mind is finally still.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere Sam is hammering something and Dean has just about had it. A rapid tap, tap, tap! Right over his head it seems. Dean rolls over to bang a hand on the bedroom wall when he feels cold vinyl on his exposed back. He jerks up and sees a young woman with glasses, cardigan wrapped around her, frowning at him out the car window.

He’s in the Impala, in a motel parking lot, somewhere outside of Sioux Falls, right.

And this frowning woman must be the clerk, or manager, or whatever. Okay genius, he thinks, what other observations are you going to make from the car?

Dean blushes and holds up a finger signaling he’ll be with her in a moment. Turns to open the door and unfolds himself out of the back seat. Stretching against the side of the Impala he rubs his eyes and wipes at (hopefully nonexistent) drool on his chin. Putting on his best Dean Winchester smiles he turns and aims it at the woman, who’s arms are locked in a vise grip around her sweater.

“Good morning!” He calls out cheerily. He’s about to offer explanation to his current state when the woman snaps at him.

“This is private property! You can’t park here if you’re not a guest.” Her mouth is pulled in a sour frown. She clearly doesn’t want to be dealing with any shenanigans this early. Is it early? Dean looks at his watch and sees it’s just after 9:00. Hey a solid 3 hours, pretty good considering the last few nights he’s had.

“I’m sorry,” he replies, “I got into town too late (or rather too early) to check in. But I’m ready to do so now. That is, if the office is open?” He points behind her and smiles again. Most women can’t resist his smile but this young woman is proving to the be exception.

She turns in a huff and stomps off toward the door with an open sign, unlit, in the window. She unlocks to door and reaches over to flip the on switch, glaring at Dean again through the window.

He checks for his wallet, phone, and keys, finding all three staples accounted for he strides over to the office and goes inside.

The woman has manned her post behind a ramshackle desk, ancient computer to her left, piles of papers, account books, and files strewn around. She stares daggers at the disaster before her and aims that expression right at Dean as he walks in.

Dean raises his hands in a act of peace. “Hey, I’m not trouble, I promise. Just need a room. Maybe a night or two.” He had no plans of where he wanted to go next. Sioux Falls was still a little too close to home. Jody or the girls could get in touch with Sam and he’d be a sitting duck.

The woman sighs and punches keys on the dated PC next to her. It’s black screen blinks rapidly and then turns green. This is apparently the wrong thing because the clerk swears under her breath and slams a hand on the monitor so hard Dean jumps in surprise.

“I hate this thing!” She grinds out through her teeth. Not caring a customer is standing in front of her.

“Computers, am I right?” Dean tries to defuse her anger with a small laugh, but she keeps right on fuming.

“I can’t put you in the “system” right now.” Her use of air quotes reminds Dean of someone who frequently used them incorrectly and he smiles at the memory.

“That’s okay, I can give you my name and I was going to pay cash anyhow so no card to process. How about two nights? One for last nights use of the lot and one for tonight?” He smiles again opening his wallet so she can see he’s good for it.

She sighs again and tells him the amount. Making no attempt to tell him he’s not obligated for the 3 hours he spent cramped in his own car. Clearly she’s a shrewd business woman. Or judging from the state of her office, she’s in need of any dime she can get right now.

“You can take room number 4,” she hands him an key on a fading red key fob. It’s right in front of your car so you won’t need to move it. Check in is not till 3:00, check out is at 11:00. “Linens” are in the closet over there.” She did the air quotes again and Dean smiles. She points to a makeshift row of shelves with faded towels and sheets.

“Since you’re so early I haven’t had time to make up that room.” She’s frowning again and Dean gets the impression she wants him out of her hair.

Taking the key from her. “Not to worry, my momma taught me how to make a bed a lifetime ago.” He lied. His momma taught him how to do a lot of things but making beds he learned from John Winchester. And you did it right the first time or you slept on the floor.

The clerk rolls her eyes and turns back to her PC, which was now putting off a rather alarming whirring sound. Dean goes over and grabs sheets, a couple of towels and with a final look backs out of the office.

The short walk to number 4 provides Dean with a little look at the scenery. An unfamiliar area so he hopes he’s far enough away from the Mills house to avoid confrontation.

Balancing the towels in one hand he unlocks the door and steps inside. It’s not much, but it’s clean. The woman at the front didn’t ask him if he was traveling with anyone but the familiar double beds gave Dean his choice of window facing or bathroom facing views.

He chose the window side and quickly made up the bed. Once he folded down the top comforter, a wave of fatigue takes him and his jaw cracks in a loud yawn. He toes off his boots and lays down onto the surprisingly comfortable mattress. Closes his eyes and promptly falls into blissful sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cas starring at him. His eyes shining with tears.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Deans voice is low. Afraid of what’s coming next.

“Because it is,” Cas takes a watery breath,”I love you.”

Dean speaks but it doesn’t register.

There’s a buzzing in his ears and his whole body feels numb. Then, an otherworldly sound rumbles behind him. The Empty is bleeding it’s way into the room. His eyes overcome with emotion glance backwards at the horror gaining on them. Billy breaking the door in.

They are out of time.

He feels Cas’s hand on his shoulder.

“Goodbye Dean.”

Cas tries to shove him to the floor. Away from the oncoming path of the Empty.

But this time it’s different. This time Dean grabs Cas and pulls him down with him.

The Empty envelopes Billy in its black goo and quickly retracts itself back through the hole it had opened up.

Cas blinks rapidly as Dean pulls them both to their feet.

“Dean. You don’t know what you’ve done! The Empty could be back any moment.” Cas looks wildly around the room. Searching for any unseen danger.

“Shut up a minute!” Dean blurts out. “You had your chance to talk.” And he turns the other man towards him. Hands running up his arms he grips the angel’s shoulders in his hands. Cas face darkens as the anger on Dean’s face rises.

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to pour your heart out and shove me out of harms way!” He searches the angel’s eyes for signs of regret.

“Dean I’m sorry, but it was the only way.” Cas breaks the eye contact and looks down. Dean huffs out a sigh reaches out and tilts Cas’s face up to his.

“There is always another way, but we’ll talk about this deal later. Right now there’s something more important going on.”

“Hiding from the Empty.” Cas whispers.

“No,” and Dean takes a deep breath.

“I love you too, Cas. I love you so much.”

And he pulls the other man close. Placing his lips firmly against the other’s.

Dean wakes with a start, the ache in his chest burning so tight he feels his heart might explode. His cheeks are wet and he swears he can still feel Cas’s rough stubble against his.

He groans and sits up. It’s getting dark outside and the the only light is from a single streetlight peeking through the open curtain. He fumbles for the bedside lamp and flicks it on. Blinking in the glow of the now lit bedroom he runs his hands over his face.

“This can’t be happening,” he sobs quietly to himself. “I can’t keep doing this.”

He checks the time and sees it’s near 7:00. Impressed with the amount of sleep he actually got, Dean rises to address the needs that plague a man who slept for close to 10 hours.

Splashing cold water on his face he makes eye contact with himself in the mirror. There was a time Dean couldn’t even meet his own eyes without seeing the monster inside him. But now it was different, the kind words Cas uttered were still fresh in his mind. He can’t help but want to be that man. He wants to be the man Cas loves; loved he thinks bitterly, and he knows Cas would want him to try.

Drying his hands and face he turns and leaves the bathroom. The ghost of the dream still clings to him and he knows if he sits here too long he’ll break down again.

“Gotta get out, get some grub, a drink. Shake it off Winchester.” He pumps himself up. Grabs his coat, and closes the motel door sharply behind him.


	5. Dean prays for forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean’s night out does not go as planned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some of you might hate me for this chapter. I felt it was needed to really jolt Dean back to the reality of his feelings for Cas.

The bar is mildly crowded, it’s early but there’s already a band playing on the far side and a few people have gathered around. Out of habit Dean checks for exits. He knows what it’s like to get caught somewhere with no way out.

He strides up to the bar and finds an empty stool. The bartender is busy helping a trio of women with drinks but he makes eye contact with Dean and nods. Dean content with waiting a bit plucks a menu from a slot and glances it over.

A burger man by nature Dean still takes time to look at the rest of the offerings. You never knew when you were going to come across a hidden gem; fried pickles for instance. Dean would love to shake the man’s hand who invented those bad boys.

He notices the bartender step up to him and looks up. Immediately he’s struck by how blue this man’s eyes are. Like a summer sky, Dean thinks to himself and shakes the thought off with a laugh. Where did that come from?

“Something funny?” The bartender asks. He’s smirking so Dean knows he hasn’t pissed off the one person here who has access to the booze.

“Nah. Just an inside joke; so what’s good here?” Quick to change the subject Dean grins and holds up the menu.

“Well it’s bar food, so nothing’s great. But if you’re hungry, I suspect it’ll get you what you’re looking for.”

The bartender pauses on the word hungry and Deans eyebrows shoot up. Was he flirting with Dean? It’s been like 5 minutes! No he must just be joking around.

“Burger with the works, and fries. And I’ll take a whiskey and a beer.” Dean makes hand motions for a shot of whiskey and a tall beer and the bartender nods again. He takes the tall glass out and pours Dean his beer.

Then he takes two shot glasses out, pours both, passes one to Dean and keeps the other for himself.

“Nostrovia,” he says and raises his shot glass in salute.

Dean fumbles picking up his glass and spills a little whiskey on his fingers. He grins nervously and raises his glass in return.

“Hey buddy, you don’t have to do that. I don’t want to get you in trouble with the owner.” Dean looks around to see if anyone’s coming to chastise them.

“The name’s Dimitri, nice to meet you.” He takes the shot and sucks in a breath through his teeth at the burn.

“And you can relax. I am the owner.” He winks at Dean and walks off to help two new comers who have sat at the far end of the bar.

“I’m in trouble,” Dean whispers to himself and tosses the shot back. Thinking again of those eyes and how they seemed to stare right into him. It wasn’t as if Dean had never been hit on by a man. Hell he couldn’t walk into a bar in the French Quater without a horde chasing him down. But it had been a long time since he was hit on by anyone and wanted to respond in kind.

Was it the man himself? Dimitri was definitely good looking, in a unconventional way. Thick dark hair that seemed to stand out in every direction, like he had been (or someone had been) running their hands through it repeatedly. Full lips, a face that looked like it hadn’t seen a razor for a few days. And those eyes, Dean only knew of one other person with eyes like.....

Oh no, oh shit. Dean knows exactly where he’s seen eyes like that before! He knows what they look like laughing, angry, and filled with tears. This was bad, very bad!

He should walk away, walk away now. Go back to the motel and think. Or pray. Or sleep. Definitely not (potentially) flirt with the very charming bar owner.

You’re being irrational, he thinks to himself. Dimitri probably flirts with a lot of customers. It’s a great way to make tips. Besides, even if he was, you’re not married. You’re not tied to anyone.

But what about Cas... Dean couldn’t even think his name without dredging up all those feelings. What about the confession, and the words left unsaid?

Stop! Cas would want you to live life. He didn’t sacrifice himself so you could join a friggen convent.

As Dean continues to let his inner thoughts duke it out over who was in the right, Dimitri glances over from where he was helping the other customers and smiles again at Dean.

Dean needs to get very drunk, like right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean isn’t very drunk, not really. But he is well past buzzed and on his way to tipsy if he doesn’t watch himself. The burger had been better than bar food, despite what Dimitri had to say. And Dean was working slowly on beer number 3. He shouldn’t have another. He remembers he has to drive back to the motel. No Sammy to play designated driver.

Dimitri returns to clear away his empty plate and grins.

“Guess you passed the test huh?”

Dean looks a little bewildered.

“Test? Did I miss something?” He wants to smile again. Something about Dimitri’s smile is contagious. Dean couldn’t help but feel the corners of his mouth turning up on their own.

“You must not be from around here. Anyone who can finish our famous burger gets their meal comped.”

“Well I guess I just got lucky.” It’s out of Dean’s mouth before he realizes the implication. Dimitri laughs loudly, his smile even wider.

“Not yet you didn’t,” his voice lower then than it was a moment before. His eyes are doing that thing again and Dean can’t look away.

The two men stare at each other a beat longer. The air crackling around them like a live wire. Dimitri break the tension and sets another pair of shots on the counter in front of Dean.

“You want?” He’s indicating the shot in front of Dean with his words, but his eyes are asking something completely different.

Dean looks down at the floor. He knows that part of him is betraying the new found feelings he’s realizing for Cas. It all feels too little a little to late. Cas is gone and while that thought still bleeds at Dean’s aching heart; it’s not going to change anything.

If he says yes to Dimitri it might be enough to snap him out of this funk and get on with his life. Get back to the bunker, back to work with Sam.

Dean looks up and meets Dimitri’s eyes. He nods firmly and the two men toss back the second shot together.

“I’m going to pull a server to take over for me here. Shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to wrap up. So, I know it’s cheesy but, your place or mine?” Dimitri leans in over the bar. Speaking softly over the crowd.

Dean is hesitant to bring him back to the motel. Call is caution, call it paranoia. But he doesn’t want Dimitri in his space just yet.

“Is your place close?” Dean asks, his pulse picks up.

“Like I said, owner. I live upstairs.” The other man chuckles.

“That’s very close.” Dean’s heart is racing now. He’s getting to the point of no return and if he’s going to do this, they better decide quickly.

Dimitri glances around the bar presumably looking for a competent server to tend bar. “Back in a few.”

“Take your time, I’m going to hit the head” Dean gestures toward the bathrooms and the other man nods.

Dean pushes up from the barstool and gets a little touch of vertigo. That second shot so close on the heels of the 3rd beer has taken him from tipsy right on to failed sobriety test. He makes his way to the toilet and then splashes cold water on his face.

“It’s not a big deal. You have one night stands all the time.” Dean speaks to his reflection. Granted it had been more than a while for him, what with Chuck and Amara, and the end of the freaking worlds.

“Get a grip. He’s a hot guy, and you’re going to have a great time.” Dean frowns at this. Not only had it been a whole helluva while since he had a one night stand; it had been even longer since his partner of choice had been male.

Dean thinks back, “Lee, and that night at the road house. Sonofabitch.” He remembers how well that turned out.

With that morbid thought circling his head Dean takes another splash of water to the face. Dries off and stalks out of the bathroom.

Dimitri is waiting on the customer side of the bar when Dean walks up. He shorter than Dean now that they’re both standing. He turns to the woman now manning the the taps.

“Thanks again Dani, be sure Rocco locks up this time” He gives the woman a cheeky wink and she laughs in return. Dean feels a little out of place at this workplace exchange, but immediately forgets it when Dimitri touches his hand and they walk to the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They walk out the front and single file around the side of the building. Passing a few parked cars and trucks some people hail Dimitri as they pass but Dean can’t see if the other man smiles back.

Once out of the glare of parking lot lights, Dean spies a wooden staircase that looks past its prime. And at the top a green metal door.

This is it, Dimitri’s place. Their boots heavy on the wooden treads. Dimitri stops in front of his door and turns to Dean.

“So this is home,” Dimitri smiles. Even in the dark of the lot his eyes still hold some of that magic they did at the bar.

“Are you going to invite me in?” Dean asks.

Dimitri sniggers, “what are you a vampire or something?”

Dean tries not to let the joke get to him. Obviously this man is 100% not familiar with the “real world” and doesn’t have a clue that a vamp would have taken him before they even got to the door. So he just smiles.

Dimitri opens the door and comically bows for Dean to enter ahead of him. Once over the threshold he closes the door behind them and pushes Dean hard and fast against the wall.

Dean lets out a breathy laugh, for a little guy Dimitri is surprisingly strong. He puts his hands up on the other man’s arms and squeezes his biceps reflexively.

Dimitri snakes his hands up behind Dean’s head and guides him to his mouth. He stops just a few millimeters away from Dean’s lips and looks up through his lashes at him. Waiting...

Dean, braces and closes the gap between the two of them. Their mouths meet and almost immediately Dean deepens the kiss. Dimitri moans into Dean’s mouth and gives Dean an opportunity to sneak his tongue over the other’s.

Dean can feel his pulse quicken as he drags his hands through Dimitri hair. It’s softer than it looks, he take a handful and tips the other man’s head back a little more.

Another moan escapes Dimitri’s lips. Dean’s whole body rocks at the sound as he presses his leg firmly between Dimitri’s.

This feels good, Dean thinks. Touching like this, tasting. Being wanted, openly. He relaxes a little more and guides his hands under the front of Dimitri’s shirt.

Warm skin at his fingertips flinches at the light touch. Dimitri sighs and breaks their kiss.

“If you tickle me, I will kill you.” He smiles up at Dean and begins to pull the coat and plaid shirt from Dean’s shoulders.

Dean smiles back, “I’d like to see you try.” He helps get the sleeves the rest of the way down. Dimitri runs his hand back up Dean’s arms and rest it on Dean’s left shoulder.

Dean can feel the heat from Dimitri’s palm through his thin tee shirt and it ignites something in him that was just waiting for a spark. His hands fall to Dimitri’s hips and he pulls him in tighter.

Dimitri’s other hand slides down Dean’s chest and brushes over the bulge in the front of Dean’s jeans.

“Think you’re being a little forward there Cas?” Dean smirks as he places kisses on the other man’s neck

Dimitri goes ridged and and starts to pull back. “What did you just say?”

Deans frowns, “I was just joking, about you being forward I mean. Clearly we’re both into it.”

“Who is Cas?” Dimitri lashes out and Dean goes white.

“How do you know that name?” Dean is whispering now.

“How drunk are you? You just called me Cas! Who is that your boyfriend? An ex you can’t get over.”

Dean turns red now and looks to the floor.

“I’m not going to play stand in to whatever crap you’ve got going on here. I think you need to go.”

Dimitri pulls all the way back now. Arms folded across his chest. Dean feels like he’s been hit by a truck. He pushes off the wall, picks up his discarded shirt, and opens the door.

He turns back to Dimitri, “for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

He walks out and down the old staircase. Sits in the driver seat for a few moments, more sober now than he was an hour ago. Head aching he slams his hands against the steering wheel.

“SHIT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hate me? I tried to at least make in someone we all like! If you recognize our charming bartender drop his name in the comments. Also does anyone know if Dean even likes pickles?!


	6. Dean prays for surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chastising himself for the evenings events Dean returns to the motel to sleep. In the morning he makes a startling realization that could change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s events should make up for Dean’s behavior in the previous one....

Dean shakes his head in frustration as the Impala peels out of the bar’s parking lot. Dirt and gravel kick up as the tires grip for purchase. Eating up the pavement he stomps on the accelerator harder, putting more and more space between him and the bar.

_You really bungled that one Winchester._

“Oh shut up,” he growls to himself. Head pounding now, the beers and shots catching up to him. His voice sounds gravely and hoarse. It reverberates off the windshield and fills the interior of the car.

Another minute goes by.

“What was I thinking?” He wonders aloud.

_Hey he was hot, willing, and you are both unattached._

That voice in Dean’s head taking a quality that younger Dean would have recognized as his own. Snarky, confident, borderline cocky, aggressive. When Dean had been younger he rarely let himself see past the superficial. It was always about him, his next hunt, his next score, his next fight. Safer that way; you couldn’t get hurt if you were the one doing the hurting right?

“I should have known better.” Again out loud to himself. This is pointless. He knows he made a mistake, not just with Dimitri but with Cas. Clearly the feelings he has are not resolved. Just because he couldn’t tell Cas how he felt, doesn’t mean he should ignore those feelings.

 _Okay, Dr. Phil._ Young Dean rolls his eyes. _You keep pinning over that Angel. I’m just trying to get us laid._

Dean huffs in disgust. Was it really that simple? Should he just be trying to move on? It’s not like Cas was coming back...

_I dunno man, we’ve all woke up from the big dirt nap a time or two. Maybe you should have a little faith?_

“Who’s side are you on anyway?” Dean asks himself. This one way conversation getting weirder by the minute.

_Dude, isn’t it obvious? I’m on my side._

Dean’s subconscious falls silent as he pulls into the motel. Sitting in his car a few moments more he tries his best to collect himself.

“Just gotta get some rest. I getting too old for this stuff.”

Dean exits the vehicle and latches the motel door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hands slide up Dean’s bare chest and around to his back. A whisper soft touch, coupled by the roughness of the palms sends a shiver down his spine.

“Is this okay?” A gruff voice in his ear. Dean nods and the other man smiles. Blue eyes crinkling at the corners.

“You have freckles, on your shoulders.” He comments, brushing them lightly with his lips.

Dean can feel a blush creep over his body. Hes completely naked. While the other man is still fully clothed. He’s not used to being exposed like this. At the mercy of someone else. He wants to reach out and touch the other man but he holds his hands still at his sides. Afraid if he moves he’ll lose control.

The lips on his shoulders trail down his collarbone to his chest. Dean sucks in a sharp breath as he feels teeth close around a nipple. Nails on his biceps scrap downwards. Blunt enough to not leave a mark but it still makes him shudder.

His head falls back and he lets out a quiet moan.

A soft laugh from the man currently moving his mouth to the other side of Dean’s chest.

“You’re easy to please Dean Winchester.” He tilts his head down, Dean’s growing erection twitches against the rumpled pant leg of the other man.

“Very easy to please.” He smiles.

Dean smiles too and leans his head down. Brushing his nose through the other man’s dark hair. The scent of him overpowering his senses. Wood, smoke, earth, an ocean breeze, sunshine, thunder, space and time itself.

It all swirls around him, overwhelming him, staggering him. The whole energy in the room changes. Dean’s heart pounds in his chest.

The man before him continues his ministrations on Dean’s chest. Fingers trailing further downward he grips Dean’s hips and squeezes. Dean opens his eyes and looks at the man.

“Touch me, Dean.” He pleads.

Dean let’s out another groan.  
“I... I can’t.” His head falls and he feels the first few salty tears run down his cheeks and over his lips.

“Why not, what’s wrong?” His hands cup Dean’s face.

“I want to, I’ve wanted you like this for a long time. But I know it’s not real. I know you’re gone. Cas you’re not really here.”

Cas sighs and his hands draw Dean’s mouth to his own. He places a warm, chaste kiss on his lips. Their foreheads lean together, noses brushing.

“You know that’s not true, I’m here. You’ve just got to reach out. I always come when you call remember?” Cas smiles and his eyes glisten. He takes Dean’s hand and places it on his suit clad chest.

“I’m here.” Cas says. Dean feels the fabric under his palm. The stiffness of the wool, the silk of the crooked blue tie. He feels the heat of Cas’s chest under his hand.

“You’re here.” Dean whispers in awe; a second later he’s pulling Cas close and ravishing his open mouth.

The angel groans out a moan into Dean’s mouth and locks his arms around Dean’s neck.

Dean’s hands working frantically now starting to tear the trench coat, jacket, and shirt from Cas’s body all at once. He growls in frustration when this poorly thought out course of action fails.

“You always wore too many damn clothes.”

Cas laughs and helps Dean remove the remaining items that have bunched around his hands. Chest to chest now, Dean can’t help but kiss every square inch of Cas he can reach.

Dean let’s out another moan as Cas’s hands snake farther down. He brushes the back of his hand over Dean’s straining cock and Dean cants his hips forward in response.

“Cas, I don’t know how much more I can take.” Dean’s eyes are pleading. He wants more, and the angel seems willing to give it to him.

“Oh I think you can take a lot more.” Cas’s eyes grow dark, his pupils are blown wide. He reaches down again and grips Dean’s erection. Hands quickly pumping up and down.

Dean’s knees feel weak and he grips the wall behind him for purchase. But it gives way under his hands. Soft, yielding against his touch. He looks around confused.

Cas doesn’t seem to notice anything different and continues to work Dean in a tight fist. Dean closes his eyes and the pleasure overwhelms him. He can feel it building, the unrelenting pressure of Cas’s strokes giving him no time to think, to savor what’s happening. He reaches out to touch Cas’s chest but he only feels air.

“Cas? What’s happening?” Dean looks down and Cas is gone. His hand replaced with Dean’s own. Precum beading at the tip. He can’t slow down, he doesn’t want to.

“Oh fuck, Cas!” Dean cums into his own hand, lying on the bed in his motel room.

Breathing heavy, Dean looks wildly around the room. Heart hammering, he strokes the last of the orgasm out and drops his head onto the sweat soaked pillow.

“It was a dream,” he gasps for air. “Just a dream.” Dean closes his eyes, embarrassed not only for cumming in his sheets like a 14 year old, but more so that he thought it was real. For those few moments Cas was back and everything felt right.

The bed was a mess, sheets twisted around his legs. Pillows pushed up, one about to fall off the edge. If Dean didn’t know better he would have thought actual sex had happened here.

He sits up and grimaces over the stickiness of his body; sweat, cum, and the grime of sleep coat him, everywhere. He huffs out another breath. Heartbeat returning to someone normal rhythm.

Slowly he stands, like a old man, he laughs bitterly to himself. He shuffles to the bathroom. One look in the mirror tells him he has the worst (or best) case of sex hair he’s ever seen. Flipping on the faucet he hopes the hot water works. Old motels can be tricky, but after a minute steam rolls up and he climbs in the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hands leaning on the wall, he lets the spray pelt over his shoulders. Soothing his his tired muscles and pummeling the sleep from his body.

His head still feels in a fog. He can’t seem to shake the sights and sounds of his dream. It felt real, too real. He didn’t know what Cas’s lips tasted like in person, but he was pretty sure his imagination was spot on. Standing under the water he tries to pull himself together.

“It was just a dream. Cas is gone. You need to accept this.” He scolds himself harshly.

Maybe cold reality was better than useless optimism. He knows Cas is gone. Jack never made any promises to them. Never really gave them any indication Cas could be saved at all.

But something was still nagging at him. Something Cas had said in the dream. It was fading more and more now. Soon it would be just another dream, just another night. And he’d have to face the next one alone as well.

Shutting off the shower he dries off and dresses quickly. It’s almost 11:00 and he knows Little Ms. Grouch at the front desk will be waiting with her watch and wallet if he’s a minute late.

Duffle tossed in the truck he slams the lid and walks over to the office. He doesn’t see the clerk anywhere. Tempted to leave the keys on the desk he fears they might get lost in the mess and she’d charge him a fee.

He calls out, “anybody home? Just checking out!”

Silence, not even the patter of feet coming towards the office. He looks around and spies a hallway past the linens. Sticking his head towards the far end. He raises his voice.

“Hello!” He tries again.

“You don’t need to shout.” A voice from behind him makes him jump about a mile.

“Jeez! Where’d you come from?” He yelps.

“Not that it’s your business but I was working out back, I came as soon as you called.” She sneers out.

Her words strike Dean like an arrow to the heart. Everything Cas said in his dream last night comes rushing back in full 4K ultra HD.

_I’m here. You’ve just got to reach out. I always come when you call remember?_

_I always come when you call_

_I’m here._

“Holy shit....” Dean whispers. Eyes wide and unblinking. The clerk stares at him like he’s grown a second head and glares back.

“Are you here to check out? It’s practically 11:00”

Dean tosses the keys at her blindly and bolts out the office door.

“RUDE!” She calls after him, but he’s already to the car. The clerk, the motel, the bar, Dimitri, all forgotten.

Cas is still out there. Cas was trying to tell me he’s alive. All I have to do is call for him. Dean sits in the driver seat, door to the Impala still open, his boots resting on the cracked black top. It can’t be that easy can it? Before, Cas could hear Dean’s prayer from anywhere in the world. Even from Heaven he heard it. Even in the depths of purgatory he heard Dean, found him when Dean though Cas was dead.

But from the Empty? An entity not tied to Heaven or Hell. Would it be possible? Or was Cas released from the Empty, wandering earth somewhere? With his grace already dwindling he may not be able to get back to Dean.

There were so many questions! He was no angel expert, but he didn’t want to call Sam. Not yet, not without a test.

Dean shifts the rest of the way in the car and closes the door. Hands on the steering wheel he closes his eyes, bows his head. He takes a deep breath, this is it, he thinks. Now or never.

“Cas? Do you got your ears on?” Dean smiles at the memory of all the times he called to Cas that way. How he’d blink and there’d be Cas sitting next to him or standing right behind him. Always way too close. Dean would have given anything to be back in those days.

“Cas if you can hear me, I haven’t lost hope. I know you’re out there and I’m going to find a way to get to you. Find a way to bring you home. I’ve thought a lot about what you said the night you...” he trails off and lets out a choked sob.

“The night you were taken.” He finally says.

“And I want you to know... I want you to know I love you too. And I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to say it. Should have said it a lot sooner. But once you’re back, I’ll say it every day, if you’ll let me.” Tears falling, he clears his throat.

“If you can hear me, please just come home. I don’t want to do this without you. I love you.”

Silence fills the cab as Dean wipes his eyes on his sleeve. He doesn’t know what he expected, but he waits another beat to be sure.

A bird calls, a car drives by, a few streets over a dog barks. Nothing, Dean feels nothing, he doesn’t see anyone.

He sniffs. “Okay. Time to go to work.”  
Wearily he starts the car, puts it into reverse and drives away.


	7. Dean prays for answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grasping at straws Dean asks for help on his mission to find Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for a few days. Holiday is over and mama has to work. 8-10 are blocked and partially written. And I will be working on them (hopefully) daily.  
> There is a new tag warning with this chapter for thoughts of suicide. if you want to skip it stop reading at “He looks up and the sky has turned dark blue.” See the end of chapter for more notes

Desperation clings to Dean like a soaking wet shirt. His skin feels raw and cold. His head is pounding. He had been so sure the prayer would work. Cas’s message had been crystal clear. Why didn’t it work? He’s been driving for several hours; no destination, no plan, no hope.

Dean takes a deep breath. Getting hysterical wasn’t going to help him. And it definitely wasn’t going to help Cas.

He knew it was time to ask for help. But needed to calm down if he was going to talk to his brother. 

“Cas if you can hear me, I’m going to find some help.” Dean whispers. “I won’t stop, I’ll find a way. I love you.”

Up ahead there was a turn off for a rest area. Dean cuts over quickly and coasts to a stop away from the minivans and SUV’s parked nearer to the door. 

He gets out and walks around the parking lot. Families are coming in and out with happy or crying kids in tow; across the way over the road truckers let their dogs out or chat with each other. In spite of Chuck trying to eradicate everything and everyone, Jack had really managed to put it all back to normal. 

No matter how many times they saved the world it never failed to amaze Dean how little the world around them stopped to notice. 

He sits down on a bench and closes his eyes. The sounds of the highway, the people nearby; the smell of diesel fuel, spring trees in bloom. Life itself... Cas was always marveled by it. Reminded Dean, even in his last moments, how he saved it. Made it better. 

He had to be that person now, it’s everything Cas sacrificed himself for. 

Dean opens his eyes. He feels calmer, rising he walks back to the car.

He takes out his phone and stares at it. He knows what he’s asking seems impossible. But he and Sam beat impossible odds every day. After a moment of stalling he dials.

Sam picks up on the second ring.

“Dean hey, are you okay... I mean, how are you?” Sam stammers out.

“I’m alright, listen I gotta get this out right away. I’m sorry. I know I acted like a dick the other night. I can’t say I didn’t mean some of it, but you and Eileen didn’t deserve to have all that dumped on you. You weren’t doing anything wrong. But it was better if I left. I just needed time to get my head sorted out.” Dean feels lighter. Apologies, especially to Sam, have never been easy for him.

“You don’t have to apologize, but thanks. I know it means a lot for you to call. But that’s not only why you called is it? Are you coming home?” Sam asks.

“Not just yet, things have... gotten complicated and I’m out ideas. I need your help.” It’s hard for Dean to admit but Sam knows a lot more about a lot of things. 

“Complicated, how? Did something happen?” The younger man’s curiosity palpable even through the phone.

“Yeah you could say that. Sam, I got a lead. It’s not a strong one, but I’m hoping you’ve got something in that big brain of yours to help give it some traction.”

“Okay... what’s the lead?”

Dean lays out as much of the dream he feels comfortable sharing with his brother. Which isn’t much, given the activity he and Cas were engaged in at the time. And his earlier prayer attempt / subsequent failure. 

“So, Cas came to you in a dream?  
Told you he was here, and all you had to do was call him?” Sam sounds visibly confused. 

“Yeah pretty much.” Dean sighs. “Like I said, not a strong lead.”

“Then you tested the theory, but no results.” Sam continues.

“Yes.” Dean replies through gritted teeth.

“Did anything else happen? Any details might help.” He cups the phone under his chin and Dean can hear him scratching notes with pen and paper.

“No, nothing important...” Dean can feel the blush creeping up the back of his neck now. 

“Dean, what are you not saying?” Sam pushes. Dean was really beginning to regret this whole conversation.

“We were...together.” Dean pauses. 

“Together..... OH! Seriously Dean?” Sam’s howling now. 

“Hey you asked, do you want more details?” Dean smirks, his embarrassment gone now that he know he can still tease his little brother.

“I’ll see what I can find out regarding dream walking or maybe telepathy... Jerk.” Sam calls through fits of laughter.

“Thanks... Bitch.” Dean smiles and ends the call.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Talk to me Sammy.” Dean barks through a mouthful of food. He’s at a Gas-N-Sip on I29. Burrito in one hand, a map splayed out over the hood of the car. 

“So get this; I couldn’t find any more on dream walking, but I did find some lore on seances. It says here if you conduct your ceremony where the person died, you may find the veil a lot thinner there to communicate.”

“The veil?” Dean questions. “Sounds a little woo woo to me.”

“Yeah well you didn’t give me much to go on.” Sam shot back.

“But why Stull Cemetery? Cas was taken in the bunker. Shouldn’t I be heading back?”

“That was the first time...” Sam trails off.

“The first time he died.” Dean finishes, the corners of his mouth turn downward. “But I don’t want to talk to Cas’s ghost. I wanna bring him back.”

“I know Dean, I’m sorry it’s all I could find so far. We’re going to keep looking. Eileen and I, we’ll help bring him home.” Sam bites off a yawn. He and Eileen must have been up burning the midnight oil to give Dean that scrap of a lead.

“Thanks Sammy.” Dean starts to sign off but Sam adds a parting comment.

“Call me after, and try to eat a vegetable, please!”

Dean snorts, disconnects the call, and resumes chewing. The thought of visiting all the places Cas died was enough to put him off his lunch. But Dean needed the fuel, even if it wasn’t Sam’s choice of nutrition.

Looking at the map, the cemetery is still a few hours away. He stows it in the glove box, tosses his garbage in a bin. 

Let’s get going, he thinks and like a bullet the Impala is off again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sky just starts to turn a dark shade of orange when Dean pulls up to the cemetery. He exits the car and walks down the dirt two track. 

He remembers how quickly it had been the over last time he was here. Sam possessed by Lucifer. Adam possessed by Michael. He thought he’d be too late. Sammy and Adam would have tore themselves apart and those freaking angels wouldn’t have so much have flinched. 

And Cas’s crackpot idea; heaving a Molotov cocktail of Holy Fire. Gettting blown away in a matter of seconds. Dean barely remembers how he felt when Cas evaporated before their eyes in a shower of blood and guts. He’d been too damn scared for Sam to even give anyone a second thought. 

He gave Cas a lot of thought now. All the times they lost him. The Leviathans, Purgatory, Lucifer, the Empty. All those last looks, all those missed goodbyes.

If he had to go all across this godforsaken country, visit every spot where Cas was killed, damnit he’d do it. It might destroy him, but he had to try.

Dean finds a downed tree far enough away from the main path but not too far from a headstone that he looks suspicious. He sits and places both hands at his sides. The rough bark digging into his palms. 

He looks around, the sky has darkened further and most of the other visitors are making their way out. 

“Okay, here goes nothing.” He says to himself. He takes a deep breath and prays.

“Cas, are you here?” He pauses and listens; silence.

“This was Sam’s idea, I don’t know if it’s going to work. I gotta tell you Cas, I’m not feeling very confident here. Do you think you could give me a sign or something?”

Wind blows through the trees, it ruffles Dean’s hair and he shivers. He continues on.

“Something about the veil being thinner here. Like I said, it’s sounds a little iffy to me. But Sam’s supposed to be the smarter one. I got all the looks, he got all brains am I right?” He starts to laugh but it dies on his lips.

“Alright you’re not here, but maybe you’re still listening. I have to believe that if you’re alive you can hear me.” Another pause, ears tuned in to any sound. The only noise his ragged breath, the rapid beating of his heart.

“You’re alive aren’t you? I know you are. I felt... I felt you. Right in front of me.” Dean blinks and a tear falls.

“If you can’t be here, you have to tell me Cas. You have to find a way. I’m not giving up, and neither can you.” Tears fall freely now. Hot little lines running down his face and splashing on the ground. 

“Please Cas, please don’t be dead. Please come back to me.” His voice barely above a whisper now. 

“I love you, please just don’t be dead.”

Dean sits a little longer, the wind leeching through his coat. He sits and he waits for someone who may never come. He waits, for the man he loves to defy God and appear before him as he did so many times before. Against all odds, Castiel, his angel of Thursday; resurrected to fight another day... But not today it seems.

He looks up and the sky has turned dark blue. Blinking back the tears he sees the first stars are out. It’s peaceful here, he thinks, surrounded by the dead. Castiel might be at peace, in the depths of the Empty. Thoughts of Dean, of anything, completely forgotten. No cold, no hunger, no pain. Just nothingness. Maybe that’s better, better to feel nothing than all of this....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor Dean Bean! If you skipped the last paragraph I know it’s not looking good with only a few chapters left. But I promise a happy ending.  
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Dean prays for compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of another failed attempt Dean formulates another plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for thoughts of suicide throughout this chapter my friends.

Dean sits alone in the driver’s seat. Eyes unfocused, staring blankly at the dash. The minutes tick by and he doesn’t so much as move. His phone, next to him on the seat, rings to life. He doesn’t turn to grab it, hands resting limply on his lap. It goes unanswered. The screen goes dark. It pings again, a text this time. Dean does nothing but lets out a small sigh. The silence continues for quite a while.

Headlights come up behind the Impala and a car flys past, fast enough to jostle the chassis and its lone passenger. A couple hundred feet ahead it screeches to a stop and fishtails to the shoulder. Sam and Eileen both leap out of the car and race towards Dean.

Sam gets there first and tries to open the passenger door. It’s locked.

“Dean, open the door. Are you okay?”

Silence.

“Dean come on, I just drove 200 miles in like 2 hours. Open up.”

No reaction.

Sam smacks his hand on the glass. He takes his phone out of his pocket.

“I called you 20 times, sent almost as many texts. Cause you sent me this crap, without so much as an explanation?” He’s shouting now, fear spiking in his voice as his brother remains unmoved in the vehicle.

**It didn’t work, goodbye Sam.**

What the hell Dean? You’re just going to leave? Or worse, think about killing yourself? What’s going on?” He looks at the phone again in disbelief. No way his brother was giving up, no way he was going to let him.

Another bang on the window.  
“I’m going to smash it in Dean. I’ve got a tire iron in Eileens car. I swear to God, open the door!”

He makes as if to walk back to Eileens car. She’s standing to the side of the road, arms wrapped around her body. Dean turns without speaking and opens the door.

He steps out, keeping the car between him and his brother. He takes out his phone. Scrolls and reads each message aloud voice monotone, unfeeling, cold.

**Hey you okay, did it work?**

  
**Dean call me, even if you’re with Cas I just want to know.**

  
**Dean, come on.**

  
**Sorry man, what do you mean by goodbye?**

  
**Dean answer the phone.**

  
**Dean don’t do this, we’ll figure something out.**

  
**Please answer, I need to know you’re okay.**

  
**I’m tracking your cell, so I know you didn’t turn it off.**

  
**It says your still at Stull, I’m coming to get you.**

  
**You better be there when I get there, Dean please don’t do anything crazy**

He’s yelling by the time he gets to the last text. Sam has tears in his eyes but he makes no move to get closer. Dean looks like a wounded animal now. His eyes are wide and he’s pacing next to the car. Practically standing in the middle of the road.

“Dean I’m sorry, we knew this was a long shot. Please get in the car.” He points to Eileen’s vehicle. “We’ll go back home, research some more, and try something else.”

He takes a step towards Dean and the other man puts a hand up to stop him.

“There isn’t anything else. Cas is still gone.” He feels like screaming and falling to the ground but he knows that will give Sam an opportunity to grab him.

“I’m sorry Sammy.” He takes his phone and chucks it close enough in Sam’s direction that he has to duck. Dean bolts for the Impala, and revs the engine. Before Sam can recover he’s speeding away.

Sam and Eileen are left on the side of the road, she goes to him and puts an hand on his shoulder.

“Come on, she says. We’ll catch up to him.”

He nods silently and they run to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean feels like he’s been driving forever. Endless stretches of highway, dirt roads, two track. Dean just keeps going, trying to out run the hurt.

He barely slept, only pulling over when he could barely see the road. He didn’t stop for food, just gassed up Baby and off again. He didn’t need or want it. His body running on adrenaline and despair.

Just as the sun was setting he found himself back in Sioux Falls. On auto pilot he drove to Singer Salvage. Or where it used to be. After the house fire the rest of the place just turned into an overgrown dump.

Dean doesn’t know why he stopped here. But he’s felt a pull back to Sioux Falls ever since he left the cemetery. He spent so much time here with Bobby. Him and Sam checking in, working cases, hours of research in Bobby’s library. But it doesn’t feel right. Somethings still nagging at him. He pulls away from the curb.

It’s late when he makes it to Jody’s house. He can see several cars in the driveway and at least a few bedroom lights on.

A house full of girls, don’t know how Jody does it. He shudders at the thought. He doesn’t want to go in. Doesn’t want to bother them. Or answer their questions.

He continues to drive around, trying so hard to not think of Cas.

Just for a minute, a crack in his armor. Grief sucker punches him in the gut.

_All the times he yelled at him._  
_All the times he told him to go._  
_All the times he missed him._  
_All the times he was killed._  
_All the times he begged for him back._

“I never got it right, did I Cas?” Dean says aloud. “You were always trying to do the right thing. Even from the start; defying your orders from Heaven just to save a punk like me.”

His vision swims as he remembers how Cas looked that first night. Light crackling, the roof about to blow off the barn. A being older than humanity itself. Stuffed inside that Holy Tax Accountant.

“You were so amazing, that night in the barn. I was so terrified, a real live angel and you saved me. I owe my whole life to you Cas.” Dean sighs.

“I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.” A tear rolls down his cheek.

He thinks of the barn again. It’s not really far from here. He makes a u-turn and heads off in that direction. It’s a good a place as any to do what he has planned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s almost midnight when Dean reaches the barn. Clouds roll in and streak across the moon. His flashlight sweeps along the uneven ground. Swiping up to look over the structure before him it’s even more dilapidated then he remembers, it looks close to falling over. He makes his way in and is surprised to see some of their warding and sigils still there. The paints faded beyond recognition but Dean can almost make it out.

He traces some with his fingers, mumbling the incantations under his breath. He scolds himself. “You’re stalling Winchester.”

He walks to the middle of the barn and kneels on the dirty floor. He sets the flashlight down and it casts shadows on the walls.

“Cas, I don’t know if you can hear me. I don’t even know if you want to listen. But I’ve got something to say.” He pauses to work up some nerve. Thunder rumbles in the distance.

“You were wrong. Wrong when you said I was worth saving. Wrong when you said everything I did was because of love.”

“It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve saved when I’ve got a body count a mile high. When everyone who ever cared about me, who loved me, is dead... and they’re dead because of me.”

Dean puts his head in his hands. The words creeping into him, slowly breaking him down.

“I was never worth saving.”

Lighting flashes and thunder rumbles louder. The barn creaks on it’s rusted frame.

“And it should have been me, instead of you.” He looks up at the patch of sky he can see through the busted roof. “And I’m gonna make it right.”

He takes a deep breath.

“Jack... can you hear me? We need to talk.”

Another barrage of lightning strikes, Dean jumps a little, the thunder close enough to shake the ground.

“Is that you kid? I didn’t think fire and brimstone would really be your style.” Dean rises and looks around the barn.

“Jack you know this isn’t right. Cas doesn’t deserve to be in the Empty. Not when there’s monsters walking around earth. Monsters like me...” he pauses.

“Come on Jack! I know you’re here!” He’s yelling over the rising wind and thunder. The barn practically shaking in the storm’s wake. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea he thinks. Whole place is going to come down.

“ **JACK!** Get your ass down here!”

Another crack of light and thunder, the flashlight flickers and dies. The barn is plunged into total darkness. Dean braces himself. He knows what’s coming.

The doors swing open wide, Dean is ready. Ready to to give up his life in exchange for the man he loves.

Backlit by the moon, Castiel frowns and walks into the barn. Dean stares in disbelief.

“Hello Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray!!! FYI I’m probably going to either increase the chapter count to 11 or make 10 really long. This reunion is a long time coming.


	9. Dean prays for courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is reunited with Cas, but now with the angel here in the flesh, will he be able to share his true feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boyfriend’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble! This one is a short one but I was too excited to wait!

Dean stares at Cas, mouth agape in shock. 

“Hello!?” Dean is freaking out.

“Yes, hello. I believe that’s still the term.” Cas is cautiously walking further into the barn.

“After weeks of nothing? After watching the Empty take you in the blink of an eye; the best you can do is ‘Hello Dean’?” Mimicking Castiel’s gruff voice.

Castiel breaks the eye contact now, he looks shamefully at the floor. “Dean I know you might be upset...”

“You’re damn right I’m upset! You left, left before I could say goodbye. Before I could even think.” Dean paces around the room. He can’t quite believe this is happening.

“Dean I’m sorry. Sorry I made that deal. I had long since convinced myself it would never come to pass. It was never with the intention to hurt you. I knew by confessing my lov-“

“Stop” Dean says quietly and the angel’s eyes fall again. Unable to bear the weight of the other man’s disappointment.

“Where have you been Cas?” Dean barely holding on.

“I... I tried to stay away. I thought it would be better for you if I stayed dead. Jack pulled me out of the Empty. I’ve been helping him rebuild Heaven.” Cas looks proud in that moment. The importance of what he’s been doing with Jack overpowers the shame he feels of abandoning Dean.

“I woke up and Jack told me what happened with Chuck. How his new power stopped him. He told me how proud he felt. Proud that he could stand with the Winchester’s and save the world.” Cas’s smile is a mixture of happiness and regret.

“Jack told me he needed my help, he wanted to rebuild Heaven. Tear down the walls, make it better than it was. Make it a place for new memories to be made, not just reliving the old ones.” Cas’s eyes shine. Dean knows how much that would have meant to him. A father and son, working together, creating paradise for all who dwell there.

“But then, I heard your prayers. I heard the regret, the sadness, the longing. To be honest, at first I tried to ignore it. I had said my peace to you; and I thought, in time, you would move on with your life. To you and Sam, I’d just be a memory.” Cas sighs.

Dean frowns at this; the thought of moving on, forgetting about Cas is unthinkable. He starts to interrupt but Cas presses on.

“So I blocked you out; or tried to. You were most insistent.” He scolds and its so sincere Dean can’t help but smile a little.

“And I couldn’t help myself, couldn’t stop from listening in. Waiting for you to call out to me.” Cas looks embarrassed now and Dean’s heart swells. He missed me, he thinks. The son of a bitch missed me.

“And when I heard you at the cemetery, it broke my heart Dean. To hear you so lost and alone. To hear you giving up everything, all because I couldn’t reach out to you.”

“By then I couldn’t stay away any longer. I had to go. I asked Jack to let me go.” He pauses and tries to catch Dean’s eyes.

“Dean were you really going to trade your life for mine?”

It’s Dean’s turn to feel shame, he knows his plan was a stupid one. Jack didn’t even take him up on the offer. But Cas didn’t deserve to be locked up in the Empty. No matter what deals he made.

“Yeah well, I was really mad about that deal you made...” He tries to laugh it off.

“Dean...” Cas has that worried look on his face. The one he usually gets before Dean pushes him away, again. Well not this time, Dean squares up. It was well past the time for being mad.

“When you first came into my life you gave up everything for me Cas. And I tried to deny it, I tried to keep you away but you stayed. You fought for me even when I didn’t, couldn’t, fight for myself. And that confession, well that was the final kicker wasn’t it? Everything I had tried to bury, every worthless thought I had about myself was all torn away in a moment.”

He takes a deep breath, “I know why you did it Cas. We all know what it’s like when our back’s are literally against the wall. What I don’t get is why then? Why after all our close calls, after we’ve died and came back how many times? You choose the one time I couldn’t bring you back. The one time I couldn’t tell you how I felt!”

Cas looks up at this admission, glimmer of hope flickers over his face. Dean looks at Cas sternly; his eyes glistening, his mouth a hard line but his chin begins to quiver. And he feels close to breaking.

All the things he wanted to say but were silenced by his fear. But that fear is gone now. There’s only hope, that gives him the courage to go on.

“So, you heard what I said?” He smiles shyly.

“Yes, I did. But Dean you don’t have to do this...” he trails off. Still so sure he’s undeserving of his love. Well no more, Dean thinks.

“No I have to, want to, need to. I’ve been saying it to myself for days. Wondering what it would be like to say it to you in person.

“I love you, Cas.” He puts both hands on the angel’s face. “I think I may have loved you from the day we met. Right here in this dilapidated barn.”

Cas’s face splits into a wide grin. The tears that he had been trying to hold on to finally fall and spill over Dean’s fingers. Dean brushes them away.

“I love you too Dean.” Cas looks down at the other man’s mouth and back up to his shining eyes. He leans in closer and ever so gently presses their lips together. Both of their eyes shut as he reaches out and pulls Dean closer to him. They kiss and it’s as if the universe turns on it’s axis and all is finally still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next, and final chapter is huge. I really wanted to do the ending justice (and get in some last minute smut).


	10. Dean prays for love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited and it feels so good!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are finally putting the E X P L I C I T rating to good use in this chapter my friends. And it is a long one. Thank you all so much for reading. I do have a Cas POV companion one shot, for the events leading up to chapter 9 that I will be working on soon.

Castiel breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against Dean’s. Dean inhales deeply, trying to take in everything around him.

The pressure of Cas’s hands on his back.  
The warmth of skin beneath his fingers.  
The saltiness of his tears.

“You’re really here.” He sighs.

“I am.” Cas replies, running his hands through the back of Dean’s hair.

“And you’re staying?” Dean asks hopefully.

“For now; Jack still needs my help, so eventually I’ll have to go back. But I won’t be gone forever.” He kisses Dean lightly.

“Good.” He nods, telling himself that’s all he needs to know for now.

“Cas can I ask you... can I ask you something?” He starts to feel a blush creep up.

“Hmm?” Cas is distracted with the task of kissing Dean almost everywhere. His lips, his cheeks, his eyelids, his ears. Taking the opportunity to be free with his affections.

“When I was praying, could you... What I mean is, did you hear me **every time** I called to you? Even if it wasn’t exactly a prayer?” He knows he’s blushing now because Cas has started grinning like a fool.

“Are you referring to when you called me while you were ‘sleeping’?” The angel raises fingers in patented air quotes and Dean knows he’s sunk.

Dean buries his head in Castiel’s chest, embarrassment coming off him in waves. He can feel the other man lean down and his lips brush past his ear.

“Do you have any idea what that did to me?” Cas whispers and Dean stands straight up.

The pressure on Dean’s body changes in a instant. Cas’s hands tighten on Dean’s waist as he pulls the other man close.

“Cas...” Dean starts.

“Quiet Dean.” His face grows serious and Dean feels heat gathering in his belly.

Cas takes Dean’s coat off and tosses it to the floor. He undoes the buttons of his shirt one by one, that falls to the floor as well. He runs his hands along the hem of his tee shirt and his fingers brush skin. Dean shudders.

“Cas, what are you doing?” His voice caught in his throat.

“Isn’t it obvious Dean?” His head tilting in confusion. “I’m showing you what you did, when you called me. He starts to lift the shirt and Dean raises his arms in compliance. It’s cool in the barn and instantly he’s broke out in goosebumps.

Slowly Cas pushes Dean backwards with his hands. Dean’s head bumps a wall. Cas leans in and kisses him deeply. Dean parts his lips and moans when Cas’s tongue slides over his.

Cas kisses his way down Dean’s throat, teeth scraping against the delicate skin. Dean reaches out to touch Cas but his hand is slapped away.

“Not yet.” Cas scolds between kisses and licks. He takes Dean’s wrists in his hands, and holds the other man’s hands behind his back. Pinning him up against the wall. Dean lets out a whine in the back of his throat, he tries to shift his hips to brush against Castiel’s. Anything to create some friction between their bodies.

While Cas resumes; his kisses grow rougher, his bite sharper as he makes his way down Dean’s chest and abdomen. No longer able to hold Dean’s wrists and reach further he lets go and raises an eyebrow at Dean in warning.

“Don’t move.” He growls out. Dean nods silently, eyes wide. He’s only seen Cas like this while fighting. Controlled, commanding, a powerful force of nature. Dean can feel his heart rate spiking; he never knew it could be like this.

Cas’s hands make quick work of Dean’s buckle and zipper. Before he knows it his pants and boxers are sliding to the floor. His erection throbs before them, slowly Cas drops to his knees. Dean has to look away. The sight of Cas in front of him is too much. He’s afraid he’ll cum right then and there.

“Open your eyes Dean.”

He can’t, he shakes his head in frustration. Fuck, Cas knows exactly what he’s doing he thinks.

“Right now Dean.” Cas’s tone leaving no room for arguing.

Dean opens his eyes; Cas kneeling before him, the bluest those eyes have ever looked, just so damn beautiful. Staring at him, drinking in the sight of his body, Cas leans in closer and plants a heavy kiss on Dean’s hip bone. Sucking a mark onto his body.

He runs his hands up the inside of Dean’s thighs. When he closes his fingers around him tightly the sound Dean makes isn’t human. Cas jerks him off fist pumping, fast and relentless.

“This is what you were doing, when you called me” Cas doesn’t ask but Dean doesn’t need a reason to answer.

“Yes,” Dean groans out. “Just like this.”

Dean tries to get himself under control but he already so turned on from Castiel’s hand alone. This is better than any dream. More intense than any fantasy he cooked up.

“Cas, please. Let me touch you.” The angel smiles wickedly at the man standing before him. Dean knows he’s done for, no amount of begging or pleading could convince Cas to do anything he didn’t want to do.

Cas gives a subtle nod and it’s all the permission Dean needs. He grabs a handful of that wild dark hair as Castiel replaces his fist with his mouth. His tongue, hot and wet, swirls around the head of Dean’s cock.

“Holy shit!” Dean almost buckles at the knees.

Cas hums in his throat and takes Dean even deeper. His hips thrust forward into Cas’s mouth.

Dean looks down, “Oh fuck Cas, you want it don’t you?” Now that he’s allowed to speak he doesn’t think he’ll ever shut up.

He grins in his delirium, Cas is working him faster now. Saliva dripping down his chin, eyes welling with tears. Cas sucking him off like this, it’s so damn hot, he doesn’t think he’ll ever recover.

“Yeah you want my cock, you love it, don’t you baby?” The words are just pouring out of Dean’s mouth. Cas looks so filthy with Dean’s dick pumping in and out of his mouth. Dean’s so hard, he wants this to last forever.

“I can’t wait till you fuck me Cas. Fuck, I want you so bad!”

Cas falters but doesn’t stop, in Dean’s expert opinion, the sneaky little fucker doubles down and goes at him even harder. He’d been holding back!

“Cas, I’m gonna cum. If you want me to stop you have to tell me now.” He doesn’t want to but his body is about to betray him. Pressure building in his lower back. Sweat already rolling down his spine.

Dean cries out in ecstasy, pleasure cruising through his whole body. Then he’s cumming into the back of Castiel’s throat. He feels the other man’s hands grip his ass tightly as he swallows him down.

Cas pulls his mouth away and wipes it on the back of his hand. Dean’s heart feels like he ran a marathon, gasping for air he slowly falls to his knees next to Castiel.

“We should have done that a long time ago.” Dean nuzzling into the crook of Castiel’s neck and he’s grinning like an idiot. All this time, all the years he’s known Cas, if it could have been like this. They have a lot of time to makeup for.

Starting now, Dean thinks and drags his teeth along the spot where he was just kissing. Pressing his naked body against the other man’s. Wool rough on his skin, he slowly pushes him to the floor. Their legs tangle and Dean can feel Cas’s cock, rock hard in his suit pants.

“Got yourself a situation there Cas?” He teases and grinds his hips into the angel’s.

Cas bites back a moan, “Yes, I suppose I do.”

“Want some help with that?” Dean waggles his eyebrows and slots his leg between Cas’s creating more friction.

“Dean, I want... I mean yes I’m....I’m not very good at this part.” Cas looks mildly embarrassed at the he fact he may have to participate in the dirty talk Dean is engaging him in.

“That’s alright baby, you just tell me what feels good.” Dean punctuates his sentence with another lunge of his hips and Cas cries out.

“Yes! Yes that! That feels so good Dean.”

Dean props up on one hand and starts kissing Cas again. He continues to rub against him through his trousers and he can feel the other man shudder and twist beneath him.

“Let’s get this suit off,” Dean smiles and sits up. Coat and jacket removed, he starts to undo Cas’s tie and slides is from the collar. Cas begins undoing his shirt buttons but it’s all going to slow for Dean.

Dean takes two handfuls of shirt and rips its clean apart, buttons flying and clattering on the floor. Cas’s eyes go wide and he’s knocked back to the floor by Dean’s mouth on his chest.

Dean’s not wasting any time now, he reaches between their bodies, undoes the buckle and fly. Hand twisting around he finally gets a hold of what he wants and Cas’s eyes roll back.

“Oh Dean! That feels, oh that feels so good.” He’s like iron in Dean’s fist, warm and velvet to the touch. Dean can’t stop thinking ten steps ahead. All the things he wants to do to Cas, all the things he wants Cas to do to him. This is going to be awesome he smiles to himself.

“Cas, do you want me to make you cum?” He tries to look serious now, domineering like Cas had with him but he just can’t hold that stern expression. He’s so damn happy to have Cas finally under him.

“Yes please, oh please Dean. Please.” Cas’s begging now and Dean’s more than willing to oblige him.

He springs Cas’s cock free and it stands straight up. Dean takes about two seconds to admire its size and shape before he swallows it down.

Cas makes a feral noise and his hands immediately go into Dean’s hair pulling the other man down farther.

Dean chokes a little on Cas as he pushes him deeper into his mouth. Nice and easy Winchester, just breathe. Cas is moaning again and Dean can feel himself getting hard at the sound.

“Yes Dean, oh please Dean!” Over and over again. Cas thrusting on ever oath. “Dean. Dean. Dean. Oh! I’m going to to cum!

Dean looks up and see his angel’s head tilted back. Body arched up off the dusty floor. This is everything I ever wanted he thinks, unraveling Castiel one moment at a time.

Cas convulses and as quick as Dean realizes what’s happening it’s shooting down the back of his throat. He licks up Cas’s shaft and send a shiver through the angel. Cas sighs and his body just melts to the floor.

Resting his head on Cas’s chest he can feel the heavy beat of the other man’s heart. **That** , is all you ever wanted dummy. All you ever **needed**.

Cas runs his hands down Dean’s back and Dean lifts his head to look around. The sun is coming up soon, sky turning pale in the distance. Their clothes are scattered but both men have their pants around their ankles and boots still on. Cas’s hand is trapped in his left sleeve, Dean’s hair is sticking up in spikes, and they both are completely covered in barn dust. They both smirk, then start to chuckle, then they are full out laughing.

“Like a goddamn bomb went off in here.” Dean is weezing and Cas is wiping tears from his face, smearing dirt further.

Dean stands creakily, he extends a hand to the man on the floor. Slowly they rise, and embrace. Dean is practically beaming, his eyes clear for the first time in weeks. His heart full.

“I love you Dean.” Cas smiles.

“I love you too. Come on Cas, let’s go home.”

The End.


End file.
